Still Lost three year later

It is sometimes overwhelming to me that three years ago I wrote thoughts that I have today. Three years and I have not grown at all. Three years and I face the same challenges that I did before. What the heck is going on. How do you not move forward. How do you stand so still? Why are you sitting and watching the world go by from the sidelines? I am truly amazed that there has been a dark cloud that has overshadowed my life, but then I think that I am not driven enough or that my faith is not strong enough. I worry that I will piss someone off and they will make my life a living hell. then I realize that I am giving all the power to others. That is why I feel weak, that is why I feel that I am just a pawn in this game. I have turned my life over, but not to a higher power like God, no to other human beings. I allow the actions of others to dictate my happiness. Is this person in a good mood and willing to talk to me, is this thing from this person going to come my way. But when you are truly not in the game, how can you possibly win.
So sir do you really have faith? If you do then never take no for an answer. Never allow your self to be counted as small. You need not step on the toes of others, but do not let them step on yours either. What is the problem with love? Human love as we see it is very selfish, it is all about how we feel and what we want. True love is giving, it is truly being selfless. You have to desire to be the best for someone else. Not focused just on given enough so they will give you what you want. It is very difficult for us to get to that point. We are all afraid of losing what we have. We hold on to the past with a crippling grip. We do not allow ourselves to feel freedom. We self medicate so that we do not feel pain. But when we walk through pain we are better for it in the end. We grow. We learn. We should not be afraid of anyone or anything. We must remember that God will not give us anything that we can not handle. Yes I said God and that is someone that I can no longer deny. That is the true test of our Faith. Are we willing to ignore the gifts that we were given. At the end of the day when you sit all alone, when you have tried to please others and they have not responded. When all your energy is gone, when your heart aches and you don't know why you are even trying to keep going. When all is lost, what is left? What is it that is pushing you? For me it is Faith. There is a knowledge that I have that I am a blessing to the world. I am someone that has a mission that no man can ever get in the way of. God shall move mountains on my behalf. I have to give my life to him and he shall light the world through me.
I know that I have a purpose that I must rise above all the superfluous BS and strive for. I have to have the confidence in my own choices. I can no longer second guess the decisions that I make. If I am listening to that still small voice that writes its thoughts on my heart then I will never be wrong. No matter what the outcome. There are so many stories in our world of people coming out from under it all to reach the highest heights. How can we doubt the present of GOD. People say, if there was a GOD how come there is war. War is the tool of man, not of GOD. We created that shit, we perpetuate it. We keep it going. If some radical nut job says that they are fighting in the name of god, remember the name of GOD. There is a big difference between the little g that makes of the god of evil men and the big GOD that is the ruler of the truly righteous man.
So what is this all about? What is my message to you? There is none. The message is to me. The message is for me to release the hold that you have on me and to remember that I am here for me. That GOD has something for me to do. That I should no longer fear men, they have no power over me unless I give it to them. Thank you GOD for giving me life. Thank you for putting things before me that will make me stronger. Thank you for the opportunity to spread your blessings to the world. Thank you for the wisdom that only comes from pain. If I ask for patience, you teach me to be patient. If I ask for you to take away my angry, you teach me how to deal with it. LORD you have given me the opportunity to become a better man. Each day you teach me what it means to be a man. I thank you for that. Each day you bring me blessings and I thank you for that. I know that when you are done with me I will have the strength of a thousand armies and I will be able to silence bullets just by uttering your name. Thank you GOD for the opportunity to live and not to exist. The opportunity to feel and to be felt. The opportunity to Love and be Loved. Thank you GOD for all that you have given to me.