Don't go THERE!!

There is another blogger that I often share views with. I often make the mistake of allowing myself to be offended when he says something that I disagree with. The truth of the matter is that if I never disagree with someone or something then I am probably just being another cog in the system. Another follower of the masses. Of course to succeed in America I must follow some rules. That is part of being in any society. But that is not to say that you must blindly follow authority. This country was founded on the belief that rules are made to be broken. So here we go again. The undisputed greatest artist of all time has died. Many will say that it is just my opinion that he was the greatest, but look at the numbers when it comes to sales and such and tell me who the Real King is. A certain lighter segment of the population likes to get upset when you dis their king. Like many kings in the history this king exploited the talents of others to reach the top. Michael worked hard and people never give him the credit for that. But my rants are less about MJ vs. 'the King'. I accept the KIng of Pop as a great moniker for a great talent. No I want to know why there are some people you can't speak badly of without it being a federal case. Why are some put so high on a pedestal that they become untouchables. MJ and Elvis have one thing in common, they were imense talents that were larger than life. yet we picture the good elvis. the skinny elvis, not the fat crazy elvis. Elvis in most peoples minds was the young guy that every woman wanted. I remember that Michael Jackson. The young kid that had teenage girls going crazy. The young adult that mad hearts swoon. Yet this man is forgotten. In the early hours after his death the media was already trying to make him out as a freak. They were reminding us that he was an alledged child mollester that changed the color of his skin. They talked of all the negative things that were in his past. The tradgedy of his life. Let me get this, you are the greatest talent the world has seen. At 9 yrs old you are a superstar. you sustain that for decades. You sell more than Elvis. And you are nothing but a freak to many. Give me a f@%#ing break people. This man was and is an ICON. Our world messed up a little boy. We took away his childhood. We made him into a spectacle and we want to say good riddence to a man that spent his life giving all he had to make us feel good. He taught us how to sing and dance. He made us ALL smile wether you are willing to admit it or not. As a black man, MJ sang the songs that I grew up to. More than any artist his songs are written in my heart and soul. I wanted to be little Michael, I wanted to be thriller Michael. Yes as I got older I saw the bad side of his life, however I also saw the bad side of being to dark in American, so he tried to get light to fit in. My lighter skinned friends growing up refused to openly enjoy Michael's music. At times they even had me pushing away from him. But most of them had the thriller album in their collection, just not out in the open for the world to see.
But this is the world that we live in. This is a world where a dude can rip the top of a girl on stage and she gets all the blame. Maybe because her brother was a freak so all the family must be messed up. Or maybe the truth that no one wants to admit is that it is ok to rip the clothes off a dark woman. But i best not go there, somebody might just get offended. Well I am offended already so I am going to go there. I have a very close female friend that thinks at times I just go off on these crazy rants with no point. The point is and always has been that it ain't easy to be dark in this country. We are not that far from Jim Crow. We just have other tools that we use. I had someone say what about Farah, she died to, why all this Michael Jackson stuff. I think Farah was beautiful and her death was a loss too. But come on people, Michael Jackson entertained even Farah. We have lost the KING. He got offended when I called him a typical white boy, i could write all day and show the truth to that statement. But I digress.
Please let's all work together to remove the anger from my heart. One of my exes always asked why black men walk around with a scowl. I told her that it was just a way to scare people. The truth is that we are angry. We are dammed mad. Yes I am pissed that I live in this world that is constantly putting down my brothers even when they do good things. I have two young sons that are on the dark side, I have to make the world see more than two young Negro criminals. You think that I am a bit outrageous on this issue, but there is more truth to it than what is on the surface. i know that we have work to do. Dark people need to raise their own bar and shoot for something higher. Lighter people have to stop justifying and looking for excuses for wrongs that are being committed. We have to work together and make this a better world where at the end of a life there is more good to say than bad. It is amazing that a talent like this can come along and touch our lives and leave us and we are not all proud to say that he was here. It is not a Michael Jackson problem, it is a problem with People.

FATHER'S DAY

Many people that know me know that I am always thinking about life's meanings. They also know that I think alot about why we do and say what we do. However I guess the biggest thing with me is human interactions. I rant and rave about our systems and how they affect the way that we think and the things that we do. I spend my free time reading and writing about our society and how we can improve our selves and our world. Today though I want to talk about the thing that makes all the other stuff come out in me. Father's day is coming.This is the day that highlights so much that is going on in our society and has for years.
When I was growing up my father worked nights at a factory, not really sure what he did something in sanitation. My father is from the Bahamas, I really don't know too much about his life as a youngster. I know a lot about my mother from growing up. I never really knew my father. He was there all the time. Most times it was too much for me because then it was harder to be a kid and mess up. There was always someone looking over my shoulder and making sure that I did the right thing. My father taught me to fish and to swim. He taught me how to work(and I hated him for it). He taught me how to take responsibility for my actions. I did not see any of this as a child and when Father's day came around I gave him gifts that reflected my lack of appreciation for him. My mother got all that I could afford to give, my father got what I could find lying around. This is a pattern that we joke about, but it is the truth in our society. We give all we can to mothers because they work so hard for their children, but fathers who work just as hard get what is leftover. And we take it and are happy with it.
When my step-son had his Senior night for soccer he called out his mom and his little brother. I sat on the sidelines and watched this celebration of his achievement. At his graduation party from high school, he had family members from everywhere toasting his achievements. Each giving credit to his mom and themselves for all that was done. I sat by and watched this spectacle. There was a bit of bitterness that people that had not been to a single soccer/baseball game or play were taking credit for his hard work. I took the occasional scrap of hey the little bit that you may have played in raising this kid was a good job, and I was happy to get it because this was not my day it was his.
My birthday I received a shiny new bike, after I had made my father a really bad handmade Father's day card. I was sure that was an equal trade. Most fathers have learned to take what is given and to place the meaning over the gift. That is what we should all do in life. We swallow our pride and let others take credit for our kids. Our society now says fathers are not needed. That mothers can do it all. I love mothers, they play a vital role in raising a child, but they cant do it alone. There is so much to be done in raising healthy children of character that no person can do it alone. We may say that money is the answer. But money is not the solution, it may be a big part of the problem, but I wont go into that here.
I can go into rants about child support/visitation. I can go for hours about mothers allowing fathers to father their children. I can rant about absent fathers and that they should be locked up if they choose to be absent. There are issues that I go through each day that make it challenging for me to be unbiased on some issues related to Fatherhood in America today. But that is not why I am writing. If you have the chance get to know your Dad. Try to see him as a person and not as a bank, or school. Try to find out what he is all about. I have wanted to get all the young men in my family together to clean and repair my dad's barn. My life has distracted me from that, and also the thought that he understands that I am busy with my kids. But that is the problem. My father made me and I have to show him in real ways that I am so glad he did. I can buy a tie that he may never wear or a shirt or some socks. Tools he needs(they are buried in the barn that needs to be cleaned and organized). I will come up with something that he would like. How do I know this, I am a father and anything my kids give me, even if it is just a hug is all that I need. Please all remember your Daddy and give him all that he needs.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY TO ALL THE DADDIES OUT THERE!!!!!!!!!

What you looking For

First let me say something that may anger some. I am going to speak about something that is not directly related to my personal situation. I am not fully single. I am not really looking for someone. So to all the haters, yes I am speaking on a subject that I am not a certified expert on. However God has blessed me with a mind, the willingness to learn and listen and to pay attention to what is going on in the world. So I shall speak on IT.
So I was out looking for a car on my local Craigslist page. As I was searching I saw the personals sections and my curiosity got the best of me. I wonder what people are looking for. I have spoken to many people men and women who say what they are looking for just is not out there. There seems to be this lack of quality mates for all. Not just a lack of good black men or women. But not enough of anyone of any race or class or social and religious beliefs. The world is empty of single people. OK so lets see. The divorce rates are up, marriages are down. although co-habitation is higher am I to believe that everyone is living with someone and not getting married. Due to the current financial state of the world there are a lot of adds for roommates from people of all sexes. There are a lot of single people moving back home with mom and dad(Huge problem for the men that think they want to date). So I guess the answer to the first question is that there are Plenty of SINGLE people out there. No people, all the good ones are not taking.
So I lost a lot of you with that last statement. Yes there are plenty of good ones out there. if you have a positive view of yourself then you will see that you are one of the good ones. Now you have had relationship issues maybe. Maybe a divorce or just a string of the 'wrong' partners. Secretly I say if you have had a string of bad ones you might want to look in the mirror BEFORE you start looking for the next one. Just make sure that the problem is not you(because we must realize that 99% of our issues are us). We don't like that. But it is true. It sounds cliche but it is the truth that most of our problems are just that OUR problems. Not problems caused by others. yes if only they did what we wanted, when we wanted then to all would be great in the world. And yes we can always find someone that agrees with us as long as we look hard enough. So now you are saying he got off on a tangent and has lost his train of thought. this I thought was about finding the perfect partner and he's yapping about looking in the mirror.
And then it hits you like a ton of bricks. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR? The key word is YOU. It is not about what society says is best. Or mom and dad, sister/brother, best friend/my boyz says. It is all about YOU. Dating is less about the other person and more about us. It is our values and standards that make the decisions. How dumb is it to say that someone else has a problem if it is not a problem for them but for US. We therefore have issue with their behavior. if they had a problem with their behavior they would stop doing what they are doing. See that is the key issue to our relationship status. We are deciding one of the most important decisions in our lives and we are letting other peoples thoughts and perceptions of the ideal rule our minds. We have to look at ourselves and what we need and want from someone else and make our own decisions. If you are successful, do you need someone successful to be happy? I am not saying that you don't, but that is your choice and be damn sure that you are the one making that choice. There are so many theories on finding the right mate. There are so many opinions. And we know what they say about opinions. The thing that we might want to think about is what it is that we are truly about. We are evolving creatures and things will change, but our core values should not. And if someone does not fit with those then I don't care how FINE they are, it ain't gonna work. I believe that there are a lot of base values that will allow humans to get together. But there are so many conflicting values in our society now that it makes it hard to stay together. However it is far from impossible. It really is all about making the right choice to begin with. Men and Women hear me, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYBODY. They are who they are and if you are happy with that great, if not please move on to the next candidate. Do not waste your time or theirs. If you don't love you, wait please, YOU CANT GIVE WHAT YOU AIN'T GOT. Love of oneself is the most important thing in loving others. I am not talking about conceit or arrogance. you have to believe that you deserve the best in a person. And remember what I said before about how YOU decide who is best for you.
So as to not bring in things that do no matter I leave you with three simple things to get that mate you think does not exist.

1. Love yourself first. Know that you deserve the best that YOU want!
2. Look at yourself and see what is your match not what others say!
3. Stick to your values and beliefs and know that if you don't want someone to change you then you wont be changing someone else.
   

• BONUS: Know that God will bless you with what you need in his time.

Thank you for your time and happy hunting.

The challenge of stepping above the Drama

Often times in life we are challenged with the drama of others. People will often test our character. These people are committed to having drama in their lives. If all is good for them then they create issues. If they have everything they need then something that they want becomes so important that they stress over it. They have the need to have something to fret over. It is their way of feeling alive. But I am not writing about them. They have to contend with this issue on their own. I am talking to all of us that let some one's drama affect our lives.
I have an ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend that I have children with. I can hear the laughs and that poor sucker's raining in your minds. Yes it is a challenge each day. When you are attempting to be a good father to your children it is very difficult when they live with someone else. There is a thin line between trying to stay out of their business and trying to ensure that your kids are being raised with the values that you want them to live by. More often than not issues over the kids are simply a disagreement over some simple idea or concept. However the underlying anger and frustration that goes along with the loss of a relationship often rears it's ugly head and makes the simple very personal and more complex. So how do we keep it simple. well the best bet is to have God and prayer in your life. It is best to get right with God and thus with yourself. Christian principles go a long way to help you in dealing with others. They help you to have empathy for an other's position. If you have that it will make a lot of your interactions with others easier. Then you will be able to see things from their perspective. i am not saying that you will agree with them, but if you can at least see their point of view then it will be easier for you to deal with them. Now of course this will not solve the interactions that I am speaking of today. Those interactions are with the totally unreasonable person.
why do some people seem to be totally unreasonable? There are to major factors that can contribute to this situation. One is that you are being unreasonable. Maybe you are asking for way too much from this person. What often seems simple to us is often not as it appears. Until we are truly aware of our values and ideas that drive our behavior we can never say that we are not the one that is unreasonable. Once again I say that prayer and contemplation help greatly with this. i do not pray enough and often realize that I am being unreasonable. I then have to ask God for forgiveness and help in being a better Man.
So here is the scenario. you have an event to attend for your child. Your former partner has decided that she is going to attend with her new partner. You have felt uncomfortable with this. What do you do? In the past I have avoided this situation. I did not feel comfortable with myself and the relationship so I would stay away from kids. Wrong answer. If I am trying to be a good father then I have to show my children that they are more important than how I feel about their mother's relationship status. I have to show them that I can put aside my differences with their mom and do what is best for them. If I can't do that then I am more concerned with her than i am with them. So I have to Man up.
The key to ignoring others drama is to look at what it is that drives you. You have to focus on yourself and what is important in your life. A lot of men are only good fathers or husbands because that is what they think others want them to be. The true sign of being a Man is to live YOUR VALUES and BELIEFS and stand for those things. You may not always be right(if you are take a second look), but you will always follow your own principles. The truth in life is that the DRAMA of others only affects us if we allow it to. That principle applies to jealousy and anger and so many other issues that we have in our lives. If we have a solid foundation of what we believe then we will never have to worry about the moods and attitudes of others. We will naturally know how to deal with them. We must aspire each day to continue to nurture our beliefs and values so that they are not lost in the turmoil of present day life. DO YOU.

Step Up and be a REAL Dad

So I have been educating myself a bit and decided to change my focus.
I have had a narrow view of the world based on my own personal experiences.
Well now is the time to look at a much larger picture.
I am a full-time dad who only has his kids part-time. what does that mean?
It means that at some point in life their mothers and myself became incompatible.
For me this has nothing to do with them. I still love my kids the same today as I did before.
For many that should not need to be said. But I am a realist and I know that there are a lot of men that do not feel the same. This is not for them. That will be discussed later. Men that are there for the mother first I will deal with you in the near future. those men should sit back and listen to what I am saying to the real fathers.

So we have split from mom. We are paying our support and doing all that we can to spend time with our kids.
Let us not get caught up in the Game. It is not about outdoing the other parent. It is not a Game.
We are responsible for raising healthy children. We have an obligation to take this blessing of fatherhood and to teach our children morals and values and how to function in this world.
The challenge is great when you live with mom, it is daunting when you do not.
But we have the duty to not give up until we breathe our last breath.

My father was at home when I grew up. He taught me to swim and to fish and to work.
He disciplined me when I went down the wrong path. He may not have said a lot when I went the right way but he let me know it in many ways. My father worked at night so I was lucky. He was there a lot when I was young. Don't get it twisted, at the time I thought that this was a horrible thing. no chance of getting away with anything if both your parents are at home most of the time. But the opportunity to learn from my father was always there. It is the foundation of what I speak of right now.

So what must we do? We must work towards changing the selfish children that we have. We must be the rock that says no you can not have every new game. Does that make us the bad guy? Maybe today. But the hope is that our sons and daughters learn to value things and realize that life is not just handed to you.
Look at yourself. Look at the values you are teaching you children. Are they seeing that ddad is the guy that does not respect mom? If so realize that you are teaching your sons to not respect women and your daughter that men treat women badly. This can be a great challenge. especially when we think that mom aint doing right. But we as men have to hold ourselves to a higher standard. It is Our responsibility to show our kids right and wrong no matter what.
Just because mom drives a BMW does not mean that she is throwing away your support money. That is mom choice and she will have to answer for that. It is your responsibility to contribute to the financial welfare of the children you sired. Does it suck that you drive a hooptie and she is rolling in the Benz. Only if material possessions is a priority to you. A Mercedes does not make you a better dad. Sure the kids think it is cool. Sure they will want to be seen in it. But if you are a caring, loving father and treat them well and teach them values then it will not matter if you have to pick them up on the bus. They will want to be with you.
Kids want love, they need discipline. These things come from loving committed fathers. We know that with no discipline there is chaos. Look at our society. What is it that the kids with no dad lack. It is not love, they got that from mom. It is discipline. That is what we fathers are assigned to do. It is not our only duty. But it is an important part of what we have to do.

So what do we need to do Dads? We need to remember that no matter what we are FULL-TIME parents. The way we conduct our lives is an example to our kids. The things that we do is an example to our kids. We have to stop complaining that we are screwed by the courts or by mom. It may be the case but we must stand up as men and demand our place in our kids lives. If you act like a sperm donor you will be treated as one. If you want to be a dad then be one. A real Dad will let no one stand in the way of raising his children.
There is no greater gift than being given the Responsibility of being a parent. Men do not waste your gift. God has allowed you a chance to mold a life. Remember that each action has an affect on your child. Every little thing counts.
And as a final note of reflection. If you spend your time away from your kids complaining to the world about the courts, or mom or whatever, it will seep into how you treat your kids. Respect the efforts of Mom even if you do not agree with them. It is not a competition. You both have a duty to perform and must perform it to the best of your ability. Don't waste your time on mom. You have way too much work to do yourself to worry about what she is doing. I have failed on this in the past and I ask God to help me with it now.

We must strive to be our best. We owe this to our children.