The object is to Let go and Let God

I spent some time around the rooms of AA. That is a different story yet to be told. However when you are in those rooms there are things that are said that stick with you. One saying that always has stuck with me is Let go and Let God. the theory is that you must let go of a problem and leave it in the hands of your higher power. Hopefully I do not have to go into the higher power concept for now, is simply deep. Back to my point about letting go. Each morning I get up and pray to God to take care of certain situations for me. I talk about how I have no power over others and that I am unable to handle this situation or that. Each day I ask God to be in control of my life. I ask him to guide me and to direct me. I then go downstairs get my coffee and grab the steering wheel out of God's hands and go crashing into a tree.
That is the whole story of my life. That is the story of so many of our lives. Is it lack of faith? Do I doubt that God exists? When I walk outside and see the beauty of nature. When I hear that voice that is constant in my heart and soul, I do not doubt that there is a creator that has made the heavens and earth. I see that there is something that is much greater than any man ever could be. I have great faith that God is real. So why do I grab that wheel each day when I know what is going to happen? Do I have a short-circuit in my wiring that does not allow me to get out of my own way? Am I living in fear of failure, or do I fear success? What does happiness look like, has it been so far from me that I am afraid of it?
Now I have asked all these questions and not answered anything for you. I do not know what letting go and letting God looks like, I know what it does not look like. It does not look like spending all your time trying to convince others how great you are. It does not look like trying to be someone else that you think that a certain person will like. It is not trying to be all things for all people. That is trying to control your destiny. That is trying to drive yourself where you want to be and it is n ot letting God take control of where you are going. I am scared of that to some extent. I know that I have not felt great joy with where I have been and I know that there is great joy in where God wants me to go. I know that in loving God and allowing him to use me in his way will free me. I just have to Let go and Let God.

Gaining new perspective

I have learned some valuable lessons the last few days. I have learned what really matters to me in my life. I have come to realize the blessings that I have. I just turnned 41 yesterday and I spent most of the day alone. At first I blamed myself for not being good enough to others and that is why I was alone. I had wronged people and pushed them away, then I realized that I was not to blame for others not being around. You can only do so much. You can only meet people halfway and I have spent my life going the distance.
The real problem for me is that I have not gone the distance when it matters the most. I have not allowed my life to be a shining beacon to others. I have not used my talents to glorify the one that gave them to me. I have hid myself from the world because I felt as though I was not worthy. I have allowed bitterness and resentment to rule the day. I appologize for that. In the future in this space I shall challenge myself to be inspirational. To show that no matter what the system may throw at you that God is good and he shall help you to achieve everything that your heart desires if it is for the good of mankind. Thank you for your time and God Bless.

A little Something

Often times there are many thoughts that are running through my mind. I was raised in a community that was not that diverse. As a young black male I spent my entire youth trying to fit in. Most of my friends were a lot lighter than me. I was listening to music and living life in a way that created in me a history that was not very kind to the Negro race. I was taught to think that my own race was bad. I believed that for many years even though I could never admit it as a young man. I believed the reason that many young black males end up in prison or dead on the streets was due to a lack of personal responsibility. I believed that if you just fell into line and did things the way that everyone else did them then you would never have any of the issues that these men were having. However as I have gotten older I have realized how wrong I was on so many levels.
I spoke to a friend on Facebook the other day that I realized is an absolutely beautiful woman. We went to school together and when we were there I thought she was cute, but she was not my kind of girl.( I was confused that my view of beauty did not fit in with what society said was beautiful.) We talked about our lives a little and I realized that as adults we were still searching for our place in the world. I think a lot of this comes from being black in and mostly white community. You never learn to value who you are and what you have to offer the world. My mother and father never treated me as less than. They tried not to talk too much about "the man" or anything like that. They taught us to work hard and study hard and to dream big. The problem was that when I walked out of my house I was the black kid that was OK at best. "you are not like the rest so you are OK." My best friends uncle had a dog that did not like black kids, it was said that it was teased by black kids and that is why it was like that. I accepted this as normal. There are hundreds more stories, some more in your face and some more subtle.
So why do I talk about this as a 40 year old adult, because I have two young sons that I don't want to have to deal with this lack of self-esteem as adults. We try to act as if we have progressed in our society. But we are still way behind the game. The mothers of my children think I am racist or angry. I am angry, but more so I am concerned about my sons. I want them to feel that they have great value in this world and that they truly can be all they desire. I know that they can excel along with other kids in any environment, but I don't want them to feel that they have to work three times as hard as the next guy. That is not EQUALITY!!! And that is what they need to know. People today are a bit clueless about the affects of race in America. We are trying to be better yet we have so far to go. There are still too many black men being shot for being black, we have white people and black people doing it because none of us has placed any value on black men. If you try to be something other than what you are there is a chance that you will be accepted and therefor e you may survive this genocide. I never question the blackness of anyone, However is Barack Obama president because of who he is or because of how bad George W. Bush was as president. I mean you had to be really messed up in the head to take a risk on the McCain/Palin ticket. So his presidency says more about what we don't accept than what we do.
I want to stop apologizing to the world for trying to be a strong black male. I want to stop apologizing for putting family before work. For trying to teach my boys and my daughter to be proud of who they are and to be strong black citizens. Why not just citizens, because they are more than that. They are a people that have been placed into a second class situation and they deserve to be more than that. They are not tokens of our growth as a people. They are a gift from God. They are strength and hope. They are a blessing to this world. If I have to spend my entire life fighting the system, how can I find time to find the cure for cancer. If I am not appreciated how can my voice be heard. Let's get real people. We spend so much time worrying about what does not matter and no time trying to solve the issues that are causing those problems.
One of the most unfortunate things that I have to deal with on a consistent basis is that I have to often chose between being with my kids and showing them how to survive in this world. We have become so materialistic that having a loving home means that it has to be big and expensive. We have placed things over people. We always use excuses like I work to provide all the things that my kids need. We work so that we can have that car or that house that will make us look good to others. Don't like it too bad it is the truth. We do not value family, people, true love. It's all about the Benjamins folks and that is going to be our downfall. The economy is in chaos and that matters more to people than the fact that our youth is being corrupted by a love of money, things and status. We are killing each other to gain stuff. We are killing ourselves to gain stuff. Relationships that break up over money obviously are not built on unconditional love. I drive a beat up old car and I get no love from this world. Does it matter that I am a loving father and though I am not perfect I try to be loving to my partner. Nope does not matter, it is all about what can I provide for my partner. If i was the same man with money many people would see me as ideal. So money makes the man I guess. At the end of the day I get so frustrated with the lack of people being able to be honest with themselves and others. I fall into this trap myself and it causes me much stress. It is the primary source of stress that I have. My deepest desire is to love and be loved for who I am. God has placed me here for a purpose. That purpose may never make me rich or famous. That purpose at times seems the opposite. It seems as if I am a foot soldier. But foot soldiers are necessary for the Lord to achieve his goals.
All I ask is for us all to look at how we perceive things. When I look in the mirror am I proud of who I am? Do I see someone of value or am I trying to be something that I am not. I want my children to love who they are. I no longer desire to question my motives. (I will continue to look at them and adjust them to a higher purpose). I am a strong black man that is a gift to this world. We are all a gift and we must live our lives with great appreciation for who we are, not who others want us to be. I will never be a normal white American citizen, I was not born one. I have always tried to be a good citizen. I know the sacrifices that all races have made to make America great. To be great again we must all make sacrifices. I love you all, I hope you all love me.

The Man in the Mirror

We are at about to place one of the greatest artist of all time in the ground. His life was our lives. His music was our music. As this historic event takes place I am taking the liberty of stealing one of his titles and using it as my own. Hopefully I will not get sued by his estate. Especially considering I ain't got no money.
Today of all days it hit me. The man in the mirror. Like most bloggers, writers and reporters I often will pick on someone other than myself. Most of my energy is spent on other people's failures. Or the system or something like that. I realize with the Michael Jackson coverage that we all spend way too much time judging other people. So today I am looking at the man in the mirror. I read a nice article by Cheryl Hudson called "How well do you know your man" in it she pointed out an exercise that she had done where she had to describe herself in on sentence. Now I could do that, the sentence would have about five hundred words in it, but I could do it. Seriously that is really hard to do. how do I take my 40 years of trying to refine my self and put that into one sentence. That is just crazy. I am to multi-faceted for that. That is when I started to look in the mirror. A lot of what I write about is based on how I perceive reality. As we all now one's perception of reality is their reality. We may not like it, but it is the truth. Now I can look at another and say man are they messed up. However that thought is based on my own perceptions and therefore are not necessarily the truth. Now as a writer and blogger, most times my reality is the truth, that said now I am looking at my own realities and trying to narrow them into a definition of me that does not take a week to read.
So those of you who have not put this down are looking for a point. A word of wisdom. Well here it is, there is no point for others today. The point to what I am writing is to give me an idea of what will come out of my mind when I am looking in the mirror. Do I really look at how I perceive me or am I still thinking about other people's view of me. Am I looking at how I see myself or how I want others to see me. I must look at me, truthfully and honestly. We try to lie to ourselves, but I believe that we are incapable of doing that.
So what do I see in the mirror. I see a man that has come up short of HIS DREAMS. I see someone that has allowed the challenges of daily life to get the best of him. Someone that has been sidetracked into believing that this world is nothing more than the things that you have. Right now I sit at a job that I do not like doing stuff that is totally pointless to me all for the purpose of survival. But I know that I would survive if I did not come back here tomorrow. That can be freeing and it c an also cause great stress. Why would I struggle worse than I am now when I can make a few dollars and help feed my family. What the heck is the purpose of dying a slow painful death.
That is my one sentence. I want the world and myself to see me living the purpose that I was placed here for. I want all to see that I was a great dad, employee, lover friend. I want to be known as one that was always striving to make this world a better place for all that come after me. What is is that I want to say.

I AM A BETTER MAN BECAUSE GOD GAVE ME PURPOSE AND I WAS ALWAYS STRIVING TO FULFILL THAT OBLIGATION.