My deepest apology to my parents!!!!

On this 8th day of august 2011 at 2am I have realized my failure to my parents. I have paid years of lip service to the values that they taught me. I have sat back and looked at where others have not lived up to what they were taught and ignored my own shortcomings. So on this day I say I am sorry. The worst part of it all is that I can not say this to my mother. My mom that worked so hard to instill good judgment and healthy family values into us past away before I realized the extent of my failings. Her death has become a catalyst for me to understand the many areas in which I have come up short. Mom I know that you are looking down upon me from Heaven and sending me a warning to change, I saw you and spoke to you in my dream tonight and I understand what you were trying to show me. In 7 days my father will be 75 yrs old, this milestone is often celebrated with parties with all the children and grandchildren and friends and family by your side. Celebrated in the home that you have worked hard to provide, a show of all that you believed and the results of your hard work. For my father there is no celebration that is scheduled, there is no party planned, for my father there is another major loss that he will feel, less than a month after losing his wife, he is losing his home, his son has failed him. So worried was I about how people saw me, that I did not realize that all that I stood for and believed in was falling apart right before my eyes. I was blinded by my own selfishness and holier than thou attitude to see the suffering of my parents at my own hand. I was quick to judge others, but so slow to see where I was failing each day. The burden that I put on my parents with watching my children, not just as grandparents, but as people to make up for where I had failed to prepare. The stresses of worrying about me well into adulthood when I should have been caring for their needs. The truth is that I have not been concerned enough for what they have needed. For the things that they have desired in this life. They gave me life and I gave back heartache, so many in my generation are too selfish to realize the things that we do that are so wrong. We believe that it is our right to do it because we want to do it, forgetting that so many have sacrificed so that we can even have the rights to choose what is RIGHT!!! I will try now to make up for it, much much too late in so many ways, I will bring my father into my home, but I helped him to lose his own, I was not there to pick him up when he needed me to be. For all that was given to me, I failed to make good on it so far, but I will try to make the time he has left at least comfortable. To my mother, you are gone, I love you and want you to know how much I am sorry for not becoming the man that you raised me to be, I know that I need to change and to re-evaluate many choices that I have made. You taught me how to earn and to learn and I could not even provide you with a decent service in the end. But know that I love you and that I will to better, I must do better. So that I can join you. Put in a good word for me, but I know that it is up to me to make it there, you made it on your own hard work and faithfulness and that is the only way that I will get there too.
To all those that read this, to those that hear these words, it is time to wake up, it is time to look at yourself honestly, don’t wait til it is too late to be all that you can for your parents and for yourselves. Remember what we owe not just to ourselves, but to the generations before us and the generations to follow us. The attitude that only thinks of selfishness and personal needs is flawed and will fail you and those that you love. Remember where you came from and what that truly means. And don't be like me and realize so much way too LATE!!!

How do we deal with evil!!

I just read this story and it really got me to thinking about how we react to the obvious presence of Evil. Now I can go into what I mean by evil, the Devil, the lack of morality and all that. I think that is why reactions to it are so crazy in Today's world. So many people have tried to define evil for us that it has been watered down and weakened in peoples minds. We wonder if it even exists. We say that people are weak. Her we have a father that shot his son to death. The tragedy of this story alone is amazing, but the deep meanings are ones to live our lives on.
What can make a father kill his own child? Why was this child molesting other children? How can a mother stand by and watch her child be killed? how can a mother not know that this man was capable of shooting his child? What are all the things that lead to this tragic final scene?
There will be many psychologists, counselors, religious leaders and sociologists that will weigh in on a matter like this. Many regular folks will have sleepless nights and arguments in bars about it. There will be advocates left and right that will claim that it proves what they have been seeing for years. We will be pulled in many directions. Politicians will claim that they can end situations like this if we elect them. MADD will claim that drinking and driving was behind this. If not for the IRAQ war young men would not be dying in the streets in this way. My ex wife is an example of this type of crazy. My ex husband tried to kill me this way. All of our own emotions and thoughts will be tested and challenged. We will go into a state of fear over what is becoming of our society. There will be widespread panic and murder and mayhem. Sons will shoot their fathers because I better get him before he gets me.
I know that you think I am crazy right now. The thing is that is our reaction. And the reaction of the EVIL one that caused all of this is to sit back and laugh and say "I have got them right where I want them!!" So think about it. Let's stop letting the Evil rule our lives!!

Am I crazy?

I look around and I see a world that is filled with many great advancements. Right now I am sitting and typing and there are millions of people that will be able to peer into my little world in a matter of seconds. (that is some scary stuff). We have email, text messages, IM, video messaging, cars that talk back and all kinds of conveniences. But yet we seem to be the most miserable people of all time. Let someones Internet go down and you think they just contracted the black plague. With all of this we have lost our ability to communicate. It becomes a battle for us to say the simplest things to someone face to face. We hide behind our technology. We BS our way through a topic that is controversial because we are able to hide our eyes and mannerisms from a distance. We spend so much time surfing and browsing. I love my Facebook friends, but once a week I need to get together with them and have a laugh or a cry in person.
Our closest relationships are the greatest. We text to our special ones and say I luv u but we rarely hold them close and say I LOVE YOU! We rarely think about how much touch really means. We read quick blogs about the best ways to please our partners, but we rarely listen to what they are asking us for. We spend so much time seeking that perfect phone, that great computer, yet we are lost when it comes to finding a person to really connect with.
How many of us truly feel loved and appreciated? How many of us wonder if we really matter to others for more than just moments in time? Each day to you wake and wonder if you will finally feel that special something, that feeling of everlasting peace and joy? Do we seek it in the wrong things? The new gadget or gift. I have many people that I am close to, many that I call friend. But at times this world leaves me disconnected. Often times it seems that I am unable to just take the time to say hi and give them a hug. It is nice to have a friend that pokes me, but do I have friends that will hold me as tears stream down my cheek? Have I lost myself in a world of bits and bytes and not one of hugs and handshakes?
Maybe I have become afraid of real friendship? Afraid to let the world see that I am just a human, filled with doubt and fear. I have faith and that strength helps me through, but at times I fear life more than death, the beginning more than the Judgement at the end. I know it sounds crazy and some will say O ye of little faith, but how strong is your faith, let he that is without doubt cast the first stone. The world moves fast yet it slowly moves by my window, the flowers take months to grow and they are gone in an instant. Love seems to bloom in a moment and boom it is gone, or are we all lost in Lust, the momentary rush and boom on to the next one. I have a friend that I has been close to me for most of my life, I don't see him much because I am too busy, but I know that I love him as my brother, time ages us, but with him I am forever five years old. That is the bond of friendship, that is the bond of love. I have people that I have had relationships with and I love them and even though we are apart, they are forever in my heart. I am connected to this world through an Internet of shared hopes and dreams, I am wired to you all though networks of pains and tears. I am bonded by LOVE and forever you will be saved on the hard drive of my heart.

Blessed

Well another holiday has come and gone. A day that brought highs and lows and I ponder life today. I have been blessed with awesome children. They are intelligent and beautiful and healthy. They are the angels sent from God to keep me from going postal on the world. Each day I ask myself, Self why are you here, then I see them and realize that for all the trials and turmoil I have blessings greater than anything else. So I march on with no clear path, with no real reasons. But I know that if I continue to teach and to nurture that fruit will bare and that the world will be a better place. It takes a village they say, what are the values that your village represents? Have a great day friends!!!

DO ME BABY!!

I am walking along thinking of all the directions that life has lead me in. It is funny at times that I get mad because I have not led that stable life that so many people crave. I have had ups and downs and been in all types of situations. I have dealt face to face with the devil in many forms and God has brought me through each time. That makes me no better or no worse than the next person. That is just the life that God choice for me. He decided that I needed a life that was filled with various challenges. I knew that I needed to have all these lessons to build me towards His purpose for me. I have spent my life in search of purpose. I have come to realize that my life and your life are very uniquely different. I can do almost all the same things that you do yet God has given me a totally different perspective on it. There is no way for me to be you. There is no way for me to do you so I must do me and allow you to do you. What I like is what I like, if I listen to Hip Hop and wear my pants low you may see me as a thug, a criminal, yet I may go and write software at a major corporation and live in the suburbs. I may like a little reggaeton and live out in the country far away from any island hood. One day I may listen to Alicia keys and the next it may be Mettalica or Luda. So what does this say, that my experiences have given me a variety of tastes. That my reality and what I feel is based on what is deep within me. I have been given these experience to allow me to accept and understand others and their experience. Not so that I can feel better than, not so that I can point the finger and say you are less than. in the end we are all imperfect and need the Blood of Christ to save our souls. For many years I have hidden myself away from the world. Lacking the courage to come out and say that I have failed. i did not realize the training that was going on all that time. I did not see how much I was being taught about this world's imperfections and that mine were no different from other peoples. Each day I look in the mirror and I say that you can be a stronger man, that you can be a better man, I used to think that this was my flaw, that I did not accept that I am not king of the world. Then I realized that if I allow myself to think small I shall be small, but if I dream big and have faith then the world is mine. This has been promised me by my Father and often times I guess that I forget that if he wants to give me this world then it is his choice and I can not fight what he places in my heart. So today I promise to do MY best and to let you do YOUR best. I beg of you to reach for the blessings that you have been given and use them as your spirit directs you....

Where's the Love

I have many friends that are telling me that I should write. They say that I have some inspiring thoughts. All I can say to them is thank you and thank God for allowing me to put words together at times that make sense. The big problem for me is that I am not sure what to write about many times. I have so many thoughts running through my head and I often lose my focus. So I dig deeper to see what if anything that my thoughts have in common. Then I realize that it is love. Love is a common theme for me. I feel as though that is the key to life here on this planet.
Love is a tricky subject and therefore it takes on so many meanings. Love from God and for Him. Love of family and friends. Love for oneself and that special someone. At times I will be talking about each one. They have some great things in common and some things that are so different that it will be hard to realize that it is the same word. I hope to spread love to all that are willing to accept it into their lives. For the moment that you are with me a read something that I write know that I love you and hope that life brings to you all that you dream of. At times it may seem that I can not have love in my heart because something I say is not real loving, that is when love is at its strongest, when we challenge the world to be a better place. There are so many challenge that we face, but there is so much that we have to be thankful for, think, if you are reading this then you have access to the net. It is great, life is good now if you look for the good. So since we have the freedom to do so, let us love and discuss love!

Who do you answer to??

Every time that I sit down to write I try and think who my desired audience is. I think about why I am writing what I am and how will it affect how people view me. That is the error of my ways when it comes to life and my writing. i have a passion to put my words and thoughts out there. it is therapeutic for me to lets some of this shit out. It makes me feel good. If it has an effect on those that happen to read it then great, but it is for me to understand this world and life that God has given to me. You see the problem is that you have not experienced all of the things that I have. Even if I had a twin that has done and seen many of the things that I have, there would still be a difference in how those experiences affected the two of us. We are all unique creatures that have different views and feelings on all subjects. For anyone to say that my thoughts are wrong, that is just not the way that America was built. Does there have to be some consensus, of course if not you will have chaos, but today we have chaos because people not only want to voice there opinion, but they demand that everyone agree with them. That is just way too unrealistic.
So when I sit and type my thoughts I have to realize that I am really just writing for me. It is the therapeutic release that I use to help me get along in life. If someone else finds it entertaining or thought provoking it is an added bonus, but ultimately this life is all about me. My legacy is mine to create, my happiness is mine to achieve. In my writing I try to remind myself of the things that I am allowing to steal my joy. when I speak to others I try to point out how situations have affected me. It may come across as me telling them how to live or how to be, however this is all about my experiences. Is it arrogant of me to think so selfishly? I think not. I believe that it is the way we are all built. It is along the lines of to love others one must love themselves. To truly write to others one must be able to write to themselves. I hope that in writing to me I learn more about me and live a more fulfilling and joyous life.