A little Something

Often times there are many thoughts that are running through my mind. I was raised in a community that was not that diverse. As a young black male I spent my entire youth trying to fit in. Most of my friends were a lot lighter than me. I was listening to music and living life in a way that created in me a history that was not very kind to the Negro race. I was taught to think that my own race was bad. I believed that for many years even though I could never admit it as a young man. I believed the reason that many young black males end up in prison or dead on the streets was due to a lack of personal responsibility. I believed that if you just fell into line and did things the way that everyone else did them then you would never have any of the issues that these men were having. However as I have gotten older I have realized how wrong I was on so many levels.
I spoke to a friend on Facebook the other day that I realized is an absolutely beautiful woman. We went to school together and when we were there I thought she was cute, but she was not my kind of girl.( I was confused that my view of beauty did not fit in with what society said was beautiful.) We talked about our lives a little and I realized that as adults we were still searching for our place in the world. I think a lot of this comes from being black in and mostly white community. You never learn to value who you are and what you have to offer the world. My mother and father never treated me as less than. They tried not to talk too much about "the man" or anything like that. They taught us to work hard and study hard and to dream big. The problem was that when I walked out of my house I was the black kid that was OK at best. "you are not like the rest so you are OK." My best friends uncle had a dog that did not like black kids, it was said that it was teased by black kids and that is why it was like that. I accepted this as normal. There are hundreds more stories, some more in your face and some more subtle.
So why do I talk about this as a 40 year old adult, because I have two young sons that I don't want to have to deal with this lack of self-esteem as adults. We try to act as if we have progressed in our society. But we are still way behind the game. The mothers of my children think I am racist or angry. I am angry, but more so I am concerned about my sons. I want them to feel that they have great value in this world and that they truly can be all they desire. I know that they can excel along with other kids in any environment, but I don't want them to feel that they have to work three times as hard as the next guy. That is not EQUALITY!!! And that is what they need to know. People today are a bit clueless about the affects of race in America. We are trying to be better yet we have so far to go. There are still too many black men being shot for being black, we have white people and black people doing it because none of us has placed any value on black men. If you try to be something other than what you are there is a chance that you will be accepted and therefor e you may survive this genocide. I never question the blackness of anyone, However is Barack Obama president because of who he is or because of how bad George W. Bush was as president. I mean you had to be really messed up in the head to take a risk on the McCain/Palin ticket. So his presidency says more about what we don't accept than what we do.
I want to stop apologizing to the world for trying to be a strong black male. I want to stop apologizing for putting family before work. For trying to teach my boys and my daughter to be proud of who they are and to be strong black citizens. Why not just citizens, because they are more than that. They are a people that have been placed into a second class situation and they deserve to be more than that. They are not tokens of our growth as a people. They are a gift from God. They are strength and hope. They are a blessing to this world. If I have to spend my entire life fighting the system, how can I find time to find the cure for cancer. If I am not appreciated how can my voice be heard. Let's get real people. We spend so much time worrying about what does not matter and no time trying to solve the issues that are causing those problems.
One of the most unfortunate things that I have to deal with on a consistent basis is that I have to often chose between being with my kids and showing them how to survive in this world. We have become so materialistic that having a loving home means that it has to be big and expensive. We have placed things over people. We always use excuses like I work to provide all the things that my kids need. We work so that we can have that car or that house that will make us look good to others. Don't like it too bad it is the truth. We do not value family, people, true love. It's all about the Benjamins folks and that is going to be our downfall. The economy is in chaos and that matters more to people than the fact that our youth is being corrupted by a love of money, things and status. We are killing each other to gain stuff. We are killing ourselves to gain stuff. Relationships that break up over money obviously are not built on unconditional love. I drive a beat up old car and I get no love from this world. Does it matter that I am a loving father and though I am not perfect I try to be loving to my partner. Nope does not matter, it is all about what can I provide for my partner. If i was the same man with money many people would see me as ideal. So money makes the man I guess. At the end of the day I get so frustrated with the lack of people being able to be honest with themselves and others. I fall into this trap myself and it causes me much stress. It is the primary source of stress that I have. My deepest desire is to love and be loved for who I am. God has placed me here for a purpose. That purpose may never make me rich or famous. That purpose at times seems the opposite. It seems as if I am a foot soldier. But foot soldiers are necessary for the Lord to achieve his goals.
All I ask is for us all to look at how we perceive things. When I look in the mirror am I proud of who I am? Do I see someone of value or am I trying to be something that I am not. I want my children to love who they are. I no longer desire to question my motives. (I will continue to look at them and adjust them to a higher purpose). I am a strong black man that is a gift to this world. We are all a gift and we must live our lives with great appreciation for who we are, not who others want us to be. I will never be a normal white American citizen, I was not born one. I have always tried to be a good citizen. I know the sacrifices that all races have made to make America great. To be great again we must all make sacrifices. I love you all, I hope you all love me.